The Vagina Curse

These days I’m wondering if my dad is a psychic. As I get older it seems that he had all the right answers. It could just be that he’s already seen the years that I am living. It has been said that experience is the best teacher. Maybe his knowledge was just a handbook for me to follow while encountering life’s lessons.

From a very young age I realized that the color of my skin would work against me. It wasn’t anything to be sad about. It was just a fact of life. You’re black so that means that everything will be a little harder than it has to be.  The color of my skin meant that I would constantly have to prove myself to be just as good as a human being with less melanin. So I’ve always been prepared for the struggle to overcome color prejudices. Little did I know there was one that is just is just as difficult to change.

The struggle of being a woman is a new encounter for me. You see, gender was never a huge focus in my household. If you were black little else mattered. I was raised to be smart and independent simply because depending on others was no no. My parents told me that a partner was a possibility and not a luxury and that in order to be prepared for life I had to be able to take of myself in all aspects. Go to school. Get a good job. Be able to cut grass and do minor repairs on cars. I was never steered away from certain tasks because I was a female. I was taught that I could do anything that anyone else could do. I was a tomboy most of my life. I preferred ninja turtles over barbies. You would only catch me in a dress for church. I even remember my grandmother being concerned at one point that I would grow up to be a lesbian because I had little interest in anything that was deemed feminine (including crushes on boys). My parents never made a big deal about my gender. Being a girl didn’t mean that I had to like pink and dolls or not play in mud. I was allowed to just be.

Fast forward to 2013. We have Hillary Clinton, Condoleeza Rice, Oprah Winfrey, Beyonce, and so many other outstanding and powerful women who are making significant contributions to all walks of society yet I am still surrounded by people who consider women as the lesser gender. Apparently I was born with a limiting organ called a vagina. My vagina means that I should inherently let emotions dictate how I live my life. My vagina means that I should enjoy cooking, cleaning, and birthing babies. It means that I should save myself for the man I commit to but be well versed in the latest erotic fads. My vagina means that I should be comfortable dancing in 6 inch heels and skirts that barely cover my ample thighs for hours. It means that I shouldn’t use foul language or fight. That fidelity should be a given on my end but not expected from my partner. I should be forgiving of men but not take any abuse. It means that I should sit at home at night wondering when this one man will make up his mind to make me his queen and begin to build our kingdom. It means that I exist only to be in a man’s shadow.

It’s disheartening to say the least that I am still reduced to a smaller role simply because of my genitals. The part I play in the relationship dynamic is still one that reduces me to a supporting actor instead of the co-star. I am aware that relationships are team efforts but I don’t want to dim my star in an effort for someone else to shine. I am a thinker. I function more off of logic than feelings. I like to work and do things for myself. I will not become a shell of me because I was born with the lock instead of the key.

I am grateful to my parents for leaving out the importance of gender in my life lessons. It makes it that much easier to disregard every attempt to justify the need for double standards.

Infatuation in Stages

These are ramblings but they kind of reflect how my crush stages go. In the beginning I miss that person like life didn't exist before he appeared. Then I become smitten with him and how I feel in his presence. Then something knocks me in the head and reminds me that it takes more than butterflies in my stomach and stars in my eyes to have something season resistant. I refuse to love for a season anymore.  My love is timeless and it deserves the same.

 

Infatuation

I miss….

Your sweet thoughts

Your funny thoughts

Your perverted thoughts

Your introspective thoughts

Maybe I just miss you

Crushin'

I find my thoughts waltzing with ideas of you at every available moment.

The beauty in the ease of the movements from our first touch

to our first laugh

to our first kiss were so easy and effortless.

I often wonder if I am dancing alone.

Reality

When I wasn’t looking

you tip toed your way into my heart

It flutters slightly

at the mention of you

and it dances when you are around

In the midst of being a woman

You

woke the girl in me

The one who finds the grandness in the smallest of gestures

And

who is a sucker for a genuine smile

I just realized at this moment that you could very well be the thing I don’t need

So

I’ll let you go before I even catch you.

We Go Together If

                The topic for the last week or so with me and my friends (they are all guys because I’m the Leslie Wright of Houston…but that’s a different blog entry) is relationships. I see it in the media all the time where a man and a woman meet and they embark on a journey of sorts. IT starts out as physical thing. They start to have sex and they see they get along. Sex leads to phone conversations, lunches, dinners, movies, various functions and amounts of intimacy that becomes comfortable. Eventually someone catches feelings and wants something a bit more concrete than a consistent body to relieve sexual desires. Once this happens the other player in the game is caught off guard because they don’t know why there is a change. I am a believer it’s because the rules weren't established or were established and not followed in the beginning of the situation.

                I don’t care what anyone says….there is a difference between casual sex and relationships. When having sex with a person turns into having pet names and exchanging gifts on special occasions or accompanying a person to events and having late night phone conversations then you are in a relationship. A lot of my guy friends don’t know when a woman considers herself in a relationship so I decided to write it out in a segment I call “We Go Together If”.

So without further or do…..We go together if 

1)      I meet your parents.

Meeting parents is always a big deal to women. In our mind, a true gentleman doesn’t parade a woman around his mother unless he has real feelings about her and he is contemplating establishing a relationship with her. So if I am invited to a family dinner or you take me to meet your parents then we go together. I’m not talking about an incident where I come to meet you and your parents happen to be at home or we bump into them somewhere and you feel obligated to introduce me. I mean if time was carved for me to meet your parents then you’re mine. Period

2)      We talkconstantly

If you are the first person I talk to when I wake up, the last person I talk to before I go to bed, and we have conversations that last longer than an hour at least 4 days a week then we go together. If we talk to each other every single day of the week we go together. If you get mad when I don’t respond to a text or phone call immediately then we go together.

3)      We have pet names

Baby, boo, shorty, lil mama, babe, honey, sweetie, Ma……if I am called any of those names by you then we go together. What the hell I need a pet name for if we aren’t more than sex buddies. Nicknames mean that you see me as someone who is special to you or else you would still be calling me by my name.

4)      You pull Black Cotton

I have fascinating hair. She is big and puffy and soft and a personal pillow when cuddling. People always want to touch her and see if she feels as soft as she looks. I have no problem with the occasional pat or graze. You can even rub the strands between your fingers but the second I feel your fingers maneuver their way into my hair, your nails graze my scalp, and you tug so hard that my head moves……we go together. No questions asked. No need to explain anything. And I’m asking for a Michael Kors watch.

5)      You feel like you have a right to know my business

Sex is just that. If you want to have it with someone then all that should matter is that they are willing, ready, and have protection. When you start asking about past sexual partners and who I am sleeping with currently it is obvious that you want more than sex. If sex was all you wanted from me then whatever else I got going on doesn’t matter. Trust me. I’ve had men who didn’t give a care if I was married or if I had crabs. If they wanted sex that other stuff shouldn’t matter. If you asking extra questions outside of “Can I get it?” (or some lame way of asking for sex) then you want more than sex and that means we go together.

6)      You have personal items at my residence or try to spend the night

If you leave your toothbrush in the toothbrush holder, got your Tim’s at the foot of my bed, or have clothes in my hamper then we go together and I’m asking for something on the light bill. You don’t want to be together then take all your crap with you when you go. And the only people who stay overnight in my bed pay bills so if you wake up in my room be prepared to go in on some utilities.

7)      You try to cuff me while we’re out

We at a party or in the club and a dude is trying to buy me a drink or asking me to dance. You appear out of nowhere with your hand around my waist like we’re connected. Or you want to fight homeboy for “disrespecting you”. Or I get cussed out for being a whore in the club then we go together. If we were just having sex then what I do is none of your business. If you have a problem with it that means you either have feelings for me or you want me to be your personal whore. Since it’s my mind I’m going with the first one and changing my relationship status on Facebook immediately.

8)      You start trickin

For those of you who don’t know what it means, trickin is the art of spending ridiculous amounts of money on a person. This could include bill payments, trips, shopping sprees, dinners, anything that requires you to dig in that bank account.  The old people say if you want to know what you relish find out where you spend your money. If all your money is going to me I am going to assume we are in love.

9)      Our intimacy goes beyond physical

The best part of a relationship is a level of comfort and security that two people have with each other. I got your back and you have mine. We share hopes and dreams and we build things together. That being said, if you are holding me when I don’t feel well or picking me up when I fall and investing in my future, then we are not just having sex. If we struggle together then we have moved past the physical. We are establishing a foundation and therefore we go together.

10)   You cook for me

If you are not a culinary student practicing for an assignment and you get your grown self in the kitchen and cook for me then you’re mine. Most men don’t cook period and the ones who do rarely cook for women. That being said, the first time you slave over a stove and prepare a meal that didn’t come out of a box or frozen food section then we go together. And if it’s good I'm close to changing my last name.

These are just a few of the things that a man can do that will make what he says null and void. You can tell me every day of the week that we are not together and you don’t want a relationship but if your actions mirror any of these then  you’ve screwed yourself. In doing these things I will expect the commitment that a woman gets from man who only wants to be with her. Men might say that’s crazy but I say that’s life. You have no idea what triggers an individual to change how they feel. And if I don’t know anything else I know that the worst thing you can do to a person is play with their feelings.  

So my advice is to be a bit more concrete in your decisions with the opposite sex. If we are just having sex then get together, do what you do, clean up, and go home. I only need a phone call when you want me and the only time you will get a call from me is when I want you. Doing anything else leaves room for confusion and misinterpretation. Make sure you’re walking the same way you’re talking or you may end up with a significant other you weren’t even trying to have. And breaking up will be hell!

NOTE*: I’m really not crazy and I don’t believe I am in a relationship with a man unless we come to that conclusion together BUT men I am not in a relationship with aren’t allowed to do anything on this list.

The Many Facets of Attraction

I was talking to a homie last week and the topic of conversation happened to be attraction. Specifically the difference in what women find attractive. He feels like his idea of what he thinks an attractive man should be and what women actually find attractive are two different things. He then goes on to say that in his opinion John Legend or Hill Harper would be men that he would like to be associated with during conversations about attraction but most women under 35 aren't checking for this type of dude.

 I thought about this because I do believe that attraction varies from person to person. For some people attraction is purely physical. There are times when you see someone and you know instantly that you want to get to know that person on a different level, whether it be physical or otherwise. Then there are times when attraction is caused by something else. It could be a personality trait or a characteristic that just does it for you.

I don’t think either form of attraction is wrong. Personally, I tend to be attracted to a man’s character than his physical appearance. I’ve only dated 2 men based on how they looked and they were both dismal romances. For me it is the other traits that may be very evident but have nothing to do with physical traits.
 For instance, I love a little arrogance in a man. He has to be kind of cocky and sure of himself but not to the point where he is self-consumed. He has to know what he wants and stand firm regardless of what others may think. I also find a hardworking guy very attractive. Whether you are a physician or a garbage man if you go to work and bring home a consistent check I’m good. I am a fan of intellect but not necessarily book smart. I like a man who is knowledgeable of any topic that he's passionate about. I also find expression attractive.

In an effort to provide examples of what I find attractive I have chosen several celebrities that I have a thing for that goes beyond the physical features.


First up would be Andre Benjamin (3000 for you Outkast fans). His voice is as thick and slow as molasses and he is a southern boy in every sense of the word. He is smart, eclectic, passionate, and awkward yet he wraps it all in a confidence that demands that you take him as he is or you leave him be. Granted he has beautiful eyes and a smile that could slip me out of my panties on its own but it is his attitude that gets me every time.

Next is Mr. Don Cheadle. I don’t find anything about Don Cheadle physically attractive with the exception of his uber chocolate skin color. Don Cheadle is an active humanitarian who works tirelessly in Africa. And he speaks so well. It’s like everything he says has to be true because he says it with so much confidence and conviction. He would be the type that I would be proud to stand beside at a rally or march. He is serious about making differences and to me that is hella sexy.

The next attractive fellow on my list Yasiin Bey aka Mos Def. Ok I have a serious thing for voices. I love to hear this man talk. It could be about peas and carrots for all I care. His voice is strong and it commands attention but it also so sensual he sounds like he is wooing you no matter the subject. I also like the fact that he can go from the hood to the white house effortlessly. He is just as cool in his b-boy clothes as he is in a 3 piece suit. He also has a deep set of dimples and the prettiest skin I believe I’ve ever witnessed on a man.

Now we will move on to Mr. Sean Carter. Jay-Z wears hard work and success as cologne. He is so confident in everything he does and he never lets the public see him sweat. The older he gets the more attractive he gets and I can honestly say that with his attitude he could be flipping burgers at McDonald’s and I would still be attracted to him.

Ok the next guy is Lamman Rucker. I will admit I like him for multiple reasons. I will get the evident out of the way. This. Man. Is. Fine. With brown skin, big eyes, ridiculous smile, and a body that does not quit he is dreamy to say the least. But more than his physical appearance, every time I see this man on television he is nothing less than a charismatic gentleman. He unconsciously flirts with every woman who interviews him, he is always humble and grateful for his success, and he just stands out. He would be the guy in the room who you would notice instantly. There is just something about him that makes him mysterious and makes me want to investigate him further.

Now this one is a blast from the past. It would be none other than Mr. Dwayne Wayne himself, Kadeem Hardison. I have to be honest and say that the reason I find him attractive is purely based of the funny glasses wearing guy I grew up with on A Different World. Wayne was funny, smart, kind, down to earth, and willing to tame a brat. I feel like every woman needs a Dwayne Wayne in her life. Kadeem is also pretty funny and I love to laugh. A man’s ability to keep me laughing says a lot to me.

Finally there is the young buck on the list. That is Kevin Durant. Now I tried not to find him attractive. First of all he’s a kid. Like I don’t even think he’s 25. Next came the fact that his is kind of awkward looking. He’s all arms and legs and at times he looks like he is still learning how to control his limbs. What I do find attractive about this guy is his demeanor. He is one the most inconspicuous basketball stars I’ve ever come across. You hardly ever see him on blogs getting pissy drunk or beating up on a baby mama or getting arrested for DWI. His focus is on basketball. I also like the fact that any time someone talks about him they say he is one of the best guys in the NBA. Not as a player but as a person and that says a lot. When you make as much money as that kid does and you literally have the world at your fingertips the ability to see past all of it and stay focused on his craft is commendable. You can also tell a lot about a man by the way he treats his mother and this guy loves his mother. She is the first person he looks for after every big win or massive loss. In all honesty I find him as a person pretty attractive.

Now this isn’t a list of men I think are sexy because Idris, Lance, Denzel, Hosea, and a slew of other men are not on it. This list is a list of men who possess attributes that I feel are necessary for me to enjoy a man's  company even if the physical fades or isn’t existent. These would be men I would try to build something with and not just try to go to bed with. I think that’s the difference for me between who I find sexy and who I am attracted to you. Wanting to sleep with you isn’t the same as wanting to have a life with you. I think if more people realized that we would have fewer divorces and men with busted car windows.